This blog has to do with how I feel about 2010. This is in my perspective, but I know that you need to know some of these things about me. I’m your kuya. I’m stronger now, but you should understand that I too, think about things. I want you to know that I’m able to comprehend your feelings if you ever need to talk to someone.
—————————————————— If I’ve learned anything from my stay here in Ashland, it is the value of hard work. After the business is open, I want to go back to school, finish and get my degree, so that maybe one day, I can work with giant bicycle companies like Shimano, Marin, Rockshox, or whoever… because maybe one day, one of my designs will be on every bicycle on the circuit. That’s just another footprint I want to leave on this world. I want to leave this world, knowing I did 3 things: helped my family, helped the less fortunate, and helped the sciences (even if it IS on a bicycle… not many people realize how involved bicycle designing is…. especially the products attached to the frames).
Ever since I was a kid, I had always wondered what my purpose was in the world. I think that’s why I indulged in people’s problems so much - because it seemed lke the only practical subject to really think about. One, my opinion and my existence mattered. Whoever was struggling, I was their shoulder, their support, and their safety net. I was needed, and my thoughts and examples were appreciated. I helped them. It made life look and feel so real, like with out this individual’s pain, I could never really understand the world. I think that’s why if there is a God, He gave us freedom - to really understand. All knowing doesn’t necessarily imply all-feeling.
Fast forward to college, I was still attached to the world through other people’s war with themselves. I wanted to help them, I wanted to master what it meant to be a friend, so I put myself out there constantly. I didn’t want to fail people. Not directly, anyway. Along with this constant condition, I grew into academia. I embraced the meaning of “to study.” My first couple years, I was an above average student. I received A’s in Calculus, physics, and the spread of engineering classes. I did this though, not for myself, but for my Parents, my sister… my very missed uncle. Again, in the scheme of things, I relied on the influences of those directly around me. Through this, I remained inspired, yet frequently disappointed. Dependency will reciprocate this.
A couple years later. 2010 a number of spills happened, where my glass was no longer half full - nor half empty. Completely absent of any substance, my glass was now dry. After my parents divorced, I lost that timeless concept of family. I lost respect for my father, and even more so, I lost the definition of my family values. Months later, I receive a phone call, quiet and awkward. I thought there was no such thing as death. I thought death - for some solitary reason - only happened to other people. Weird, huh? When you live in your body for so long, you start to think that you’re the star of the show and that you are impenetrable. My uncle’s death shot straight through my Kevlar of ignorance - rupturing the ground around me. Again, a piece of my foundation disappeared. What can you do with your life when all you’re standing on is this 2x2ft platform where there’s nothing to brace you for that inevitable fall, a collapse I’ve replayed in my mind over and over and over again. What do you do? How do you end it? How do you start all over? How do you own your balance long enough for the concrete to reform around you? How can you possibly respect time when it slows during the most painful fractions of your life, and fly by so quickly when you’re at your happiest? I don’t understand how I’ve kept sane for this long… but I did. So on Christmas eve, I spent it alone because the third faction of corruption insulted my strength - mom’s health. I won’t go into describing that pain again. It’s still fresh.
Here. I. Am. Now. Almost 23, my distance traveled is the summation of tragedies and that self obscured persona. I never did things for myself, I did it for my friends. Where are those friends? From high school? From elementary? Gone. I did things for my family. Where is that family? That father? That marital promise? Gone. Where is that uncle? That bald head? That loving and stubborn man? Gone… i can feel my eyes watering… so who else can I do things for, I ask? If not for myself. And believe it or not, myself is a sort of full circle characterization of my entire life where I can now wrap my little brain around the fact that doing good for myself will inevitably be good for those I love. How can I be wrong? How can I not reach a state of happiness I have not ever allowed myself to appreciate…
I am not what people assume. I am so much more than that. I will do so much more to prove them wrong. In my own secret way.